Blog Posts

Self Care

11/16/2016

I have several blog posts in progress. Each week it seems something else comes up and they get pushed aside. That is happening again this week.

Self care has been especially important and especially hard for the past week. I am seeking out ways to reach out to those who are afraid because of the election outcomes. I recognize that misogyny is one of the values embraced by our president elect, and therefore my own safety is at risk.

I have also spend four days in a row taking care of grandchildren. What a blessing they are!

I am exhausted. I forgot I am in charge of a meeting this evening. I am not getting my required 10 hours of sleep a night (yes I really need that much sleep) and I have huge black bags under my eyes. My thought for the day said this:

As a 2 on the enneagram, I feel loved by feeling needed. I tend to sign up for too many activities, always saying yes when asked to help (especially if it means spending time with my grandkids). I am sure being an extrovert only makes the problem worse.

This blog is my attempt to pay attention to my need for self care- especially as the holidays are approaching.

Thank you for listening.

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Nightmares

11/9/2016

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Texting with my niece last night:
Me: If you stay up and Hillary wins pls let me know. if [he] wins let me sleep
Her: Ok will do

Then this morning:
Me: Shit
Her: Yeah I let you sleep
Me: thank you i was having nightmares but I guess they were real

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Eight years ago, I was exhilarated, euphoric, and proud. Today I am trying to keep from falling into despair.

This is obviously not the first time my candidate didn't win, and it won't be the last. But it is the first time the outcome scares me. We have chosen a misogynistic, racist, homophobic, narcissist. We have given him a House and Senate that could let him do whatever he wants. I have true fear that he might not be willing to hand over power in 4 to 8 years.

I am grateful that I am a citizen of God's kingdom and my loyalty is there and not here. I will continue to do the next right thing. My faith rests not on human wisdom, but on God's power.

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Baseball

11/3/2016

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For two weeks I have been enjoying the World Series. Last night's game seven was particularly stressful as I cheered on the Chicago Cubs to an eventual win. Watching the games with my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren made me nostalgic for my childhood days. It is especially fun since my son-in-law is a Braves fan.

I loved baseball as a kid in Atlanta in the 1970s. The cheap seats were actually cheap. We also got free tickets from school every year and my dad always picked the games when the Cardinals were in town. Those games were highlights of my childhood. Hank Aaron, Phil Niekro, Dale Murphy, Rowland Office, Dusty Baker.... ah the memories.

Of course, there is my funniest memory. As a kid, when they sang "O'er the land of the free, and the home of the Braves" I always wondered what they sang at other ball parks.

Then came the 1990s when the Braves actually won games! Those four heart wrenching World Series losses, and one victory in 1995 (also against the Indians). How did I get to 50 and not remember that my mom is an Indians fan? Mom, I promise to cheer for them next time.

Then there was taking my dad to Fenway Park in 2014. And the Russell yearly Salem-Keizer Volcanoes game where Betty and her boys get a picture with Crater. I am already looking forward to 2017's trip.

So many happy memories surrounding America's favorite pastime.

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Surrender

10/27/2016

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Surrender

I was meeting with my Spiritual Director. We were discussing my grappling with the concept of fear, and not wanting to make fear-based decisions. I was also expressing frustration with some life situations which were not going the way I felt they should.

After a time of silent listening, she had me reach into her container of word stones, and I pulled out "Surrender." It spoke to my heart. Now I have two words going through my head when I am reflecting on spiritual things. Fear. Surrender.
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I spent the past several months preparing for a retreat I led at the coast over the weekend.
planned every detail and I was very excited.

On Friday afternoon, I headed out with Teresa, leaving later than I hoped, and taking longer to get there than I had anticipated. Once there, we realized the cell phone coverage was spotty, and I had forgotten to give the other participants my cell phone number. As it got later and later, I became more and more stressed. Fear.

We decided to drive to a nearby town so that we could send out messages and make phone calls. I felt like a failure and the weekend hadn't even begun. As we sat there in my car, I grabbed Teresa's hand and said "I need to pray." We prayed. Surrender.

Eventually the others found us. The weekend went well. I was asked to lead it again in the spring.
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I typed out this post, and then I made a mistake and it disappeared. Stress! I think the original version was better, but so it goes.

Surrender means accepting I was never in control in the first place. Thankfully I have a God who is in control, is patient with me, is willing to wrestle with me, and loves me no matter what!

Thank you for listening.

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50

10/19/2016

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The year I turned 40, I did not celebrate. Dale flew away in March and 3 months later, I didn't really care about my birthday. A year later, I went to Reno with 3 friends to have a late celebration. At some point (I am really not sure when), I started thinking about turning 50 and getting excited. Partly because I liked thinking about the fun of wearing a red hat and purple dress. (Yes simple things excite me.)

Sometime after I turned 45, I began to plan my party. Dancing was important. I decided to pick a song from each year, 1966-2016. Then I chose 10 to make sure were played and we played the others as we had time. I picked a place, one of my favorite restaurants has a great banquet room. Invitations, DJ, food, cake-- I loved planning it.

I had a blast. I got to dance with my grandchildren and friends. I wore a purple dress and red hat.

When Theresa flew in September, she was 3 months short of her 50th birthday. Dale was 1 month short of turning 48. And I lost my friend Dwaine when he was 36. Three important people in my life did not make it to 50. I have thought a lot about that in the last month. I am grateful for every day.

And I love telling people I am 50!

(I saw my doctor and I am feeling much better. Thank you everyone for taking care of me.)

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Depression

10/3/2016

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Me: I am depressed.
Friend/Relative: Why are you depressed?
Me: I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

I have had this conversation several times in the past two weeks. I don't say those words lightly, and I am not being sarcastic. I am being as honest as I can.

I began taking Prozac soon after my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 prostate cancer. It has been a blessing for 12 years. Unfortunately, it is no longer enough.

Are there life events that contributed? Yes. I am sure the death of Theresa was the first trigger. After that every little thing that went wrong (including ongoing car troubles) pushed me farther down spiraling into a pit of sadness. But they are not the reason I am depressed.

Depression is a diagnosis and I answer the question "Why are you depressed?" the way I do not only to help others understand, but to remind myself that this is not something that will go away if I just cheer up.

Thankfully I have a wonderful best friend who had that very conversation with me, and said "so what are you going to do about it?" She rebuffed all my excuses and sat beside me as I called and made an appointment to see my doctor on Wednesday.

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To my dearest sister Theresa,

9/14/2016

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I do not remember when we met. I know you were born in New York, and by sixth grade you were there with us. We were sisters. You lived one block away, and we were always at each other’s homes. You lived with your grandmother who was an amazingly strong woman. You called my parents mom and dad. You attended church with us each week at Berea Mennonite. We loved to tell people we were sisters, and you loved to try to shock people by telling them we were twins.

We went to different high schools and colleges, but that did not stop our friendship. East Atlanta football games were one of my favorite events to attend and watch you in the band playing the clarinet. You gave me the nickname Taj (Theresa, Angela, Juel).

Some of my favorite memories include:
Visiting you at college
Welcoming Twanicka and Tomesha into your life
Taking you to my college homecoming, and you convincing people you went to school there!
MC Hammer concert
Bon Jovi concert
Spending my 21st birthday at Hooters at Underground Atlanta because you forgot your ID and we couldn’t get into a club to dance
Seeing Willie Anderson play with the Spurs against the Hawks (and you touching Ice Cube’s thigh after the game!)

The greatest honor you bestowed upon me was telling me my soul was blacker than yours.

The last time I saw you was in 2009 when I brought my youngest daughter Molly to Atlanta for Christmas. I am glad she got to meet you. As always you were kind, funny, and most of all my sister. I am sorry we hadn’t really talked since then. I am saddened to have lost you too young. I am most sad that I cannot be there at your service today to hug Twanicka and Tomesha and to meet your granddaughter.

Until I see you on the other side,
Juel Yoder Russell

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Sunday Lessons

9/7/2016

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Matthew 18: 15 “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16 But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

This was the Scripture read in church on Sunday. It is a set of verses I have often felt less than excited about. I have had it quoted to me by someone who felt I was ending a friendship without trying hard enough to save it. (Uh, no, this Scripture is about people in my community that I desire a relationship with, not someone I have a casual friendship with and am ok with letting go.) I have seen people use it to exclude others who do not change and do whatever the person thinks they should be doing. Mostly, I read it and say, "Jesus wouldn't have used the word 'church' since there was no such thing when he was teaching!"

Then I heard it on Sunday as if for the first time. "Let such a one be as a Gentile and a tax collector." WOW. Jesus does not say stay away from them. Jesus says treat them as he treated Gentiles and tax collectors. Jesus ate with tax collectors. Jesus welcomed Gentiles. On Sunday I heard Jesus saying, even if they refuse to listen to you, love them anyway. It is possible I have heard 100 sermons say this very thing. I don't know. Sunday it is what I heard and I will never read these verses the same way again.

(I also heard a fantastic sermon on reconciliation. Thanks Joseph Penner!)

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Dreams and Disappointments

8/24/2016

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Dreams and disappointments have been on my mind these past two weeks. I applied for a job I did not get, and I was not in Rio for the Olympics.

Dream Big! That is one of my 12 words of wisdom. Dreaming is how we get what we want and get to where we want to be.

Four years ago I dared to dream of going to Rio to see the Olympics live for my 50th birthday. I was working at a job that would have allowed me to be able to afford it. Another dream came along, the dream to finally be a full time Spiritual Director. In following that dream, I left the job and took a lower paying job. I stayed home and watched the Olympics on TV. Now I dream of a time when I might make it to another venue to see the Olympics live.

In my pursuit to be a full time Spiritual Director, I applied for a part time job that I felt would fit into that dream. Working at a full time job is not giving me time to pursue that dream. It was disappointing to find out someone else was being hired. However, I continue to trust that God has a plan, and that my dreams will come true, even if they do not look exactly like I dream them.

It is better to have dreamed and been disappointed than to never have dreamed at all.

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Summer Camp Memories

8/3/2016

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Today is my dad's 81st birthday so it seems fitting to blog about my memories of summer camp since he played a huge part in making that happen.
(edited to include some memories I was reminded of recently)

On Sunday at church we celebrated Drift Creek Camp and what it means for our children to attend there and for our young people to work there every summer. We sang camp songs and heard from 3 young people about their time at camp. It brought back memories of my own days as a camper and then counselor at Lakewood Retreat in Brooksville, FL.

Growing up in Atlanta, we were 8 hours from Lakewood Retreat, the closest Mennonite camp to us. Starting the summer I turned 9, my parents made sure my friends and I were driven the 8 hours one way each year for the 8 years I was a camper and continued taking my brother and, after he was too old, others from our church. The first few years my mom went along and worked in the kitchen for my week there. It was a blessing to have her so close when I was so far from home. My dad often made the trip, loading up our van and driving us down on Saturday and returning with the campers from the week before on Sunday. There were 4 weeks of camp, so he (and others) did that for 5 weekends in a row. That is a HUGE commitment and one I am grateful he made.

As a camper, I loved swimming in the lake and then going down after dark to find alligators floating in the water. When I tell people that now they are shocked. But the alligators were far out in the water and never came on shore where we went swimming. Eventually they did build a swimming pool. I still dream of making that long walk down to the lake.

I have memories of popcorn popped over campfires, making crafts, fun games, great speakers, singing camp songs, and making new friends.

The summer I was 12 I made my first public confession of faith around a campfire there.

In the summer of 1993, I lived and worked there. I was a counselor for the weeks our church had summer camp, and the rest of the year I worked in the kitchen and did housekeeping. That is the last time I would have been there.

I appreciate the love of summer camp I learned from attending Lakewood. And I am glad I live near Drift Creek Camp where I can see young people being valued and influenced as I was.

Thanks for listening. Happy Birthday Dad!

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