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A Gramma's Love

5/20/2016

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Today I will begin a 5 day adventure staying with Bryson (3) and Connor (23 months) while my daughter is on vacation.   It reminded me that I want to write this post.

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend about her grandmother. I asked, "How was she like God?"  She answered immediately, "She loved me unconditionally." 

That is exactly what I want my grandchildren to say about me someday. I want them to know there is nothing they can do or say that will change my love for them. I could be disappointed, hurt or sad by their actions. Still love them! 

My teenage granddaughters like to ask me who I love more. Honestly, I can't choose. When I am holding Lily I don't think I could love anyone more. But when Bryson screams "MEEMAW" my heart overflows with love. And each of the 10 is special. I am even adding 3 more as my daughter has moved in with Joe and he has 3 boys. I am falling in love with them as well. 

I love you Chris, Breaunah, Ashleigh, Samantha, Hunter, JR, Bryson, Connor, Malachi, Lily! 

And God loves you too!
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Heartache

5/19/2016

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I am an ENFP. Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver.  "Take nothing personally." This is almost impossible for me. I feel things deeply. Words pierce my soul. As a result you would think that I would choose my own words more carefully, and sometimes I do. Make me angry- watch out!

Yesterday I heard, "You are not good enough. You do not follow the unspoken rules.  You have disappointed me and I will take away something you love." Of course those were not the actual words used. But it is what I heard. I was not kind back. 

I am working hard at putting myself in the other person's shoes. I actually understand why they feel the way they do. What I don't understand is why that means I get my hand slapped and punished. I supposed they don't see it as punishment, but that is how it feels.  

I will get past it. At this point I don't want it back. But I am sad. 

​Thank you for listening. 
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Confession

5/2/2016

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I spent the weekend at the west coast Connecting Families Retreat.  It was a wonderful weekend of rest and support for those in the Mennonite and Brethren tradition who are LGBTQA+. It was a brave, safe, sacred space and I came away refreshed and renewed. 

Here is my confession. 

Our theme was "our power resides in our stories." During our Worship yesterday, 2 women shared a bit of their call to ministry. One of the stories struck me in my heart. 
  • When the information about the retreat was sent out to the churches, I asked our elders how they would be distributing the invitation to our congregation. After processing, the message came back- they would not be distributing the invitation, and then they asked me not to put flyers in our church mailboxes, not to send information about the retreat on our church email list. I was told I could stand up in church and announce the retreat. My heart was broken. I could stand up in the congregation and put a target on my back, but I couldn't quietly put a few flyers in a few mailboxes of people I knew were allies and might want to come. I chose to send out an email with the information privately to a few people.  
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As the sermon was given, I realized, I could have disobeyed! I don't think I even considered it. The sermon brought another piece to light, I am trying to get my ordination reactivated, and I chose to do nothing out of fear. Fear that "they" might withdraw their support for my request. 

I sat there. Ashamed. 

Later, as a response to the sermon, we were invited to choose a rock to carry with us as a symbol of a burden we were carrying. We could carry it as long as we needed-- minutes, days, years-- knowing that mercy was freely offered. I knew immediately what I would do. As soon as the service was over, I went outside and I threw that rock as far as I could. I let go of the shame and guilt. 

Thank God for Mercy.

Thank you for listening. 
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    Author

    Juel Russell
    Spiritual Director

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