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Surrender

10/27/2016

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Surrender 

I was meeting with my Spiritual Director. We were discussing my grappling with the concept of fear, and not wanting to make fear-based decisions.   I was also expressing frustration with some life situations which were not going the way I felt they should.

After a time of silent listening, she had me reach into her container of word stones, and I pulled out "Surrender."  It spoke to my heart. Now I have two words going through my head when I am reflecting on spiritual things.             Fear.                 Surrender.
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I spent the past several months preparing for a retreat I led at the coast over the weekend.
 planned every detail and I was very excited.

On Friday afternoon, I headed out with Teresa, leaving later than I hoped, and taking longer to get there than I had anticipated.  Once there, we realized the cell phone coverage was spotty, and I had forgotten to give the other participants my cell phone number. As it got later and later, I became more and more stressed.                         Fear.

We decided to drive to a nearby town so that we could send out messages and make phone calls. I felt like a failure and the weekend hadn't even begun. As we sat there in my car, I grabbed Teresa's hand and said "I need to pray." We prayed.                          Surrender.  

Eventually the others found us. The weekend went well. I was asked to lead it again in the spring. 
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I typed out this post, and then I made a mistake and it disappeared. Stress! I think the original version was better, but so it goes. 

Surrender means accepting I was never in control in the first place. Thankfully I have a God who is in control, is patient with me, is willing to wrestle with me, and loves me no matter what! 

Thank you for listening. 
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50

10/19/2016

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The year I turned 40, I did not celebrate. Dale flew away in March and 3 months later, I didn't really care about my birthday. A year later, I went to Reno with 3 friends to have a late celebration. At some point (I am really not sure when), I started thinking about turning 50 and getting excited. Partly because I liked thinking about the fun of wearing a red hat and purple dress. (Yes simple things excite me.)  

Sometime after I turned 45, I began to plan my party. Dancing was important. I decided to pick a song from each year, 1966-2016. Then I chose 10 to make sure were played and we played the others as we had time. I picked a place, one of my favorite restaurants has a great banquet room. Invitations, DJ, food, cake-- I loved planning it. 

I had a blast. I got to dance with my grandchildren and friends. I wore a purple dress and red hat. 

When Theresa flew in September, she was 3 months short of her 50th birthday. Dale was 1 month short of turning 48. And I lost my friend Dwaine when he was 36. Three important people in my life did not make it to 50. I have thought a lot about that in the last month. I am grateful for every day.

And I love telling people I am 50!

(I saw my doctor and I am feeling much better. Thank you everyone for taking care of me.)
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Depression

10/3/2016

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Me: I am depressed.
Friend/Relative: Why are you depressed?
Me: I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. 

I have had this conversation several times in the past two weeks. I don't say those words lightly, and I am not being sarcastic. I am being as honest as I can. 

I began taking Prozac soon after my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 prostate cancer. It has been a blessing for 12 years. Unfortunately, it is no longer enough. 

Are there life events that contributed? Yes. I am sure the death of Theresa was the first trigger. After that every little thing that went wrong (including ongoing car troubles) pushed me farther down spiraling into a pit of sadness. But they are not the reason I am depressed. 

Depression is a diagnosis and I answer the question "Why are you depressed?" the way I do not only to help others understand, but to remind myself that this is not something that will go away if I just cheer up. 

Thankfully I have a wonderful best friend who had that very conversation with me, and said "so what are you going to do about it?" She rebuffed all my excuses and sat beside me as I called and made an appointment to see my doctor on Wednesday. 

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    Author

    Juel Russell
    Spiritual Director

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