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Failure

7/28/2016

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I recently spent a week at one of my favorite places, Drift Creek Camp. I was there with my grandson for 3-4th grade summer camp. I have been to DCC many times in the 19 years I have lives in Oregon, so I was shocked when this time upon arrival I was thrown into despair over my greatest failure. 

 In the summer of 2003, I was busy preparing to marry for the first time. I was also helping friends prepare their wedding. And I was committed to be the camp pastor at DCC for a week. I was overextended, and unfortunately I was overly confident in my ability to take on this week as pastor without much preparation. I was wrong and I failed miserably. I was embarrassed and ashamed. 

13 year later I had mostly forgotten about that terrible week until I was back there, surrounded by campers. I was transported back to that week, I felt inadequate and ashamed. Thankfully this time I was not camp pastor and I had time and space to work through all those emotions. I was able to forgive myself. By the end of the week I even was brave enough to go to a chapel service and experience a camp pastor do it beautifully. 

God's timing is perfect. I spent months contemplating fear. I preached a sermon on fear. And there I was with my worst fear in my face, fear of failure. I have failed at something I feel called to do, so I can fail at it again. I probably will. (Hopefully not as gloriously as last time.) My fear of failure has been holding me back from planning the retreat I want to lead in October. It is time to push that fear aside and move forward. If no one comes, or if they do and I am a terrible leader, I will not have allowed my fear to stop me. 

​Thank you for listening. 

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Fear part 2

7/7/2016

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On Sunday I preached in my home congregation. I have preached a handful of sermons in my life. It is not something I particularly like to do. But when asked, I take it seriously. 

As a church, we are preparing to have "THE" conversation. You know the one. Who are we going to be in relationship to our LGBTQA+ friends. I used my earlier blog post about fear to set the stage. Here is a bit of what else I said. 

So- what exactly are we afraid of?
We are afraid our children will choose to be gay.
We are afraid that church will no longer feel like a safe place if hurtful words are spoken.
We are afraid we are allowing the world or society to influence the church.
We are afraid we will lose friendships.
We are afraid of being wrong.
We are afraid our LGBTQ children/sisters/brothers will be rejected by people we love and hold dear.
We are afraid we are not following the Bible.
We are afraid of being blamed as parents for not raising our children correctly.
We are afraid we are accepting sin in our church.
We are afraid that the discussion will fracture our church family and people we love will choose to leave.
These fears are real.  What will we do with these fears?

The ushers are going to come by with rocks, please take one.
Hold this rock in your hand. This rock represents your personal fear.  A reminder that your fear is real and valid. We can use this fear to hurt others. We can use this fear to build walls and keep out those who don’t agree with us. Or we can use this fear to build safe space for all of us to live together. Take this rock home, place it somewhere you will see it as a reminder to pray for God’s guidance as we enter this fear-filled time. Remember that no matter our opinion, we are all afraid.

In our fear, Jesus speaks to each of us - Peace be with you.
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    Author

    Juel Russell
    Spiritual Director

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